If You Have a Death Wish
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: It's pretty obvious that there are a lot of ways to die in DW. But what the games may not show you are the various "off the record" ways to meet your maker... Now including SW and WO editions!
1. Dynasty Warriors

**Summary: **It's pretty obvious that there are a lot of ways to die in DW. But what the games may not show you are the various "off the record" ways to meet your maker...

**Disclaimer: **I own the games, meaning "copies of the games." Do I own the franchise itself? Only in my dreams...

**Queen's Quornor: **This is what happens when I'm running on a decided lack of sleep. I start thinking about silly, insane, or perfectly sensible yet odd ways to die in my favorite games. Many of these have to do with my favorite characters, and some of their particular quirks or stories. I respect many of these characters immensely, but hey, if you have loved ones, why not torment them? Er, tease them. Please don't send them after me for this.

If You Have A Death Wish

**Wei**

1. Steal Zhang He's makeup and use it to paint offensive graffitti around Xuchang.

2. Replace Zhang He's makeup with liquid bronze tanner. Even he wouldn't be able to make something beautiful out of orange skin.

3. Cut Zhang He's ponytail while he's sleeping.

4. Lay a hand on Zhenji. It's debatable who'll get you first: her for actually touching her, or Cao Pi for daring to lust after his wife.

5. Burn Xu Zhu's crops and salt the fields. Do you really want to find out what happens when a fat, angry, hungry man comes after you?

6. Put hair restoration tonic on Dian Wei's head.

7. Make fun of Cao Pi's flowery metaphors where any person every REMOTELY connected to Wei can hear you. If word filters back to him, you are so many pieces of meat.

8. Point out that there is a direct corrolation between the size of Sima Yi's hat and his ego.

9. Bring up Chibi around Xiahou Dun.

10. While he is sleeping, get anywhere near Cao Cao.

11. If he doesn't sleep-kill you, give him a Donald Trump hairdo. Then run like all the legions of Hell are after you. They might as well be.

12. Make fun of Cao Cao's statements about Zhang Liao being his "blade" by informing him of the sexual connotations of that metaphor. Then prepare to be introduced to Cao Cao's sword. Pray Zhang Liao isn't around or your head will then be punted across the city.

13. Put spices in Zhenji's fancy underthings. Works best on nights when she and Cao Pi have been flirting during a battle.

14. Point out that Jia Xu bears a remarkable resemblence to the average weasel.

15. Tell Sima Yi that he's several IQ points dumber than Zhuge Liang, and bring up the moments he failed in comparison to his rival. In particular, mention the womens' clothes and headdress he received during their final standoff at the Wuzhang Plains. Ask him why he has yet to don such a generous gift and parade it around Xuchang.

16. Celebrate when Xiahou Yuan dies, or at least show no remorse around Xiahou Dun.

17. Make Guo Jia prove his masculinity, or accuse him of being a poor excuse for a playa, since he can't seem to get a single woman. You probably won't die quickly - he's more subtle than that.

18. Do a pole dance using Guo Jia's cue stick. Works better if you happen to be a man.

19. Tell Cao Pi that he's a terrible human being, and any of his brothers would have been a better Emperor than he was. Then close your eyes so you won't get dizzy when your head goes spinning away.

20. Imply that Zhenji cheated on her husband with Cao Zhi, his younger brother. Again, the method of your demise depends on who finds you first.

21. Tell the Wei Emperor and his beloved wife that their son singlehandedly ruined the empire Cao Pi and Cao Cao worked so hard to build up.

22. Arrange for Zhenji to do an unplanned Marilyne Monroe impression. In front of the assembled army. During Cao Pi's coronation.

23. Try to make friends with Jia Xu.

24. Shave Xiahou Yuan.

25. Constantly crack Karate Kid jokes around Xu Huang.

26. Try to stage an intervention for Wang Yi's obsession with vengeance and her alchoholic tendencies.

27 Point out to Wang Yi that she might as well commit suicide, because there is very, very little chance she will ever manage to kill Ma Chao.

28. Try to brush up on your archery skills by playing William Tell with Xiahou Ba. Works best if his daddy has no idea you don't actually intend to hurt him.

29. Give Dian Wei's head a good coat of varnish.

30. Glomp Xiahou Dun. He's not the most cuddly guy in the world.

**Jin**

1. Dare to lay a hand on those ungaurded meat buns.

2. Slap Wang Yuanji's ass in full view of Sima Zhao.

3. Say anything derogatory about Zhang Chunhua. Depending on which son hears about it first, you'll either be turned into swiss cheese, sliced to ribbons, or literally ridden face-first into the dirt.

4. Try to force Guo Huai to stay in bed.

5. Tell Zhuge Dan that he is a poor excuse for a member of the Zhuge clan.

6. Help Sima Zhao be lazy.

7. Instigate yet another disagreement between Sima Zhao and Zhuge Dan.

8. Tamper with Sima Shi's favorite food. This can be done by moving the buns to an undisclosed location, swapping them with buns full of not-so-tasty centers, or poking a hole in the bottom and removing the meat filling.

9. Mock the famous laughter of a certain father/son duo.

10. Try to explain to Zhong Hui exactly where he went wrong.

11. Tell Zhong Hui that, although he is a highly intelligent man, he is a complete idiot for thinking he could recreate the kingdom of Shu and usurp the Simas as the sole Emperor of China.

12. Accuse Deng Ai of being a traitor before Zhong Hui does.

13. Try to snuggle up to Zhong Hui. Seems to work better if you are a woman.

14. After he is injured, pass comment on Sima Shi's mask.

15. Point out that, no matter what he says about his retreat being on purpose, Sima Yi still lost.

16. Constantly ask Wang Yuanji why she would ever waste time with Sima Zhao when she would probably be a better match for his older brother. That patience of hers has to have a limit.

17. Say anything bad about Xiahou Ba's father.

18. Upon seeing how big his weapons are, accuse Xiahou Ba of compensating for something.

19. Make fun of Sima Yi for being afraid of his own wife.

20. Tell the men of the Sima clan that the woman of the house should be the kingdom's strategist. It takes one extremely smart woman to manage those three, without completely upstaging them.

**Shu**

1. Steal a kiss from Guan Suo after he meets Bao Sanniang.

2. Try to play Walk the Dog with Bao Sanniang's spinner.

3. Make fun of Liu Shan.

4. Help Liu Shan hide from Xingcai when he's supposed to be training.

5. Say ANYTHING bad about Liu Bei. If either of his brothers or Zhao Yun are anywhere in the vicinity, nobody will ever find your body. God help you if Zhuge Liang overhears you - by the time he's done with you, your brain will have exploded.

6. Go for a joyride in one of Yueying's juggernauts.

7. Hit on Xingcai.

8. Trim/cut/mess with Guan Yu's beard.

9. Say anything about Guan Ping's sword being an obvious compensation for something else.

10. Get within arm's reach of Zhang Fei when he's drunk.

11. Tell Ma Chao that justice isn't always right.

12. Accuse Bao Sanniang of being an annoying, childish attention-whore. If you do, beware of green-clad 'chuckers.

13. Point out that Liu Shan's simple, childish ways are more than likely his father's fault, since Liu Bei threw him down on the rocks after Zhao Yun rescued him, accusing his son of nearly costing his best general his life.

14. Claim that Guo Jia is a better strategist than Zhuge Liang, since he alone can tell what the allied forces at Chibi are up to.

15. Accuse Jiang Wei of turning into an obessed zealot after his mentor dies.

16. Betray Liu Bei.

17. Side with Liu Feng over Liu Shan.

18. Cut the tassle off Ma Dai's hat.

19. Dip Ma Dai's brush in varnish before he uses it.

20. Mess with Wei Yan.

21. Call Huang Zhong an "old man."

22. Accuse Liu Bei of being a lousy father, considering how little time he seems to have spent with Liu Shan and, of course, the whole throw-the-baby-on-the-rocks thing.

23. Get between Zhao Yun and his lord at either Changban or Yiling.

24. Say that Xingcai is more of a man than her husband.

25. Steal Ma Chao's horse. Or Ma Dai's, for that matter.

26. Try to stop Liu Bei from taking vengeance on Wu.

27. Refuse to follow Guan Yu's orders.

28. Offer your dead brother's widow to Zhao Yun after swearing an oath with him.

29. Get into a debate with Zhuge Liang.

30. Give Pang Tong liquor.

**Wu**

1. Get between Ling Tong and Gan Ning during a fight or a sword dance.

2. Tell Sun Shangxiang that she's too masculine to ever get a husband and keep him.

3. Pass comment on how Zhou Yu must be a pedophile, to marry a little girl like Xiao Qiao.

4. Remark that Da Qiao really should stay at home, because she is in complete absence of a spine.

5. Try to steal away either of the Qiao sisters.

6. Mistake Zhou Yu for his own wife.

7. Switch all of Huang Gai's clothes with ladies' dresses.

8. Get Zhou Tai drunk

9. Get Sun Quan drunk, and then beat him in a game of Go.

10. Hit on Lianshi while Sun Quan is anywhere nearby.

11. Deny Lu Xun's pyromaniacal tendencies.

12. Apply any sort of real (I.E. modern) medical knowledge around Sun Ce.

13. Say anything derogatory to Sun Jian about his children.

14. Sneak up on Taishi Ci while he's training.

15. Accept any offers to marry Sun Shangxiang, if the proposal is offered by Sun Quan and Zhou Yu.

16. Display a higher intelligence level than Zhou Yu.

17. Offer to supply arrows for the Battle of Chibi. You can only get away with this if your name is Zhuge Liang.

18. Don't pay attention to the direction of the wind during the Battle of Chibi while holding a torch in front of you.

19. Play with the Qiao sisters' kitties.

20. Try to keep Ling Tong from getting his revenge on Gan Ning.

21. Try to separate Lu Meng from his studies in favor of carousing.

22. Go drinking with Gan Ning.

23. Get into a fistfight with Gan Ning.

24. Make fun of Sun Quan's eyebrows.

25. Try to get Gan Ning to wear a shirt, and "help" him put the thing on.

26. Tackle any of the Wu pretty boys and try to drag them off.

27. Endorse one of Sun Quan's sons as his successor. Lu Xun died because of the sheer anger and frustration this situation caused him - what makes you think you'd turn out better?

28. Speak up in favor of surrender after a certain desk has been split.

29. Suggest to Lu Su that maybe he shouldn't be so trusting of Zhuge Liang. The sheer amount of excuses will annoy you to death.

30. Make fun of Ding Feng's poetry.

**Other**

1. Get between Dong Zhuo and his dinner.

2. Free the women Dong Zhuo had kidnapped for his perverted fantasies.

3. Get anywhere near Dong Zhuo's treasure.

4. Call Yuan Shao "the Golden Bastard."

5. Constantly mistake Meng Huo for an orangutan.

6. Tell Meng Huo that his wife is one hot Mama. He probably doesn't realize what that means, and won't think it's a compliment.

7. Throw gasoline on Zhu Rong. Mushroom cloud, anyone?

8. Call Lu Bu the "Flaming Cockroach of Doom." Only pronounce it as "DOOOOOOOOOOOM" whenever you see him.

9. Try to hit on Diaochan.

10. Drink liquor around Lu Bu, after he's been holed up in Xiapi for awhile.

11. Suggest to Diaochan, in earshot of Lu Bu, that perhaps she should consider her options and make a break for it.

12. Grease up Lu Bu's halberd.

13. Get anywhere near Hua Xiong.

14. Tell Meng Huo that his wife has him totally whipped.

15. Tell Zhu Rong that she's more of a man than her husband is.

16. Put on that special Nanman armor before going up against the Shu forces.

17. Advise Yuan Shao to go ahead and surrender after Wuchao falls.

18. Tell Yuan Xi that he is clearly a pathetic excuse for a man, since his wife left him for a much better model at the first opportunity.

19. Get involved in the feud between Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang.

20. Fastest way to die: go up to Lu Bu, and explain to him that Diaochan is a lying, cheating, manipulative whore who never really loved him, and potentially had an incestual love for her adopted father. Your upper torso will hit the ground about five seconds before you realize that A) you are in a shit-ton of pain, and B) he just killed you.


	2. Samurai Warriors

**Summary: **It's pretty obvious that there are a lot of ways to die in the Koei games. But what the games may not show you are the various "off the record" ways to meet your maker...

**Disclaimer: **I own the games, meaning "copies of the games." Do I own the franchise itself? Only in my dreams...

**Queen's Quornor: **So this was supposed to be just a oneshot. But then a reviewer swiped Lu Xun's matches, and between them threatening me and Lu Xun himself stealing my Playstation controllers until I apologize for letting someone take his pyro tools and buy him replacements, I figured I needed an escape. So, here I am, thinking up ways to get yourself killed in Samurai Warriors. There isn't really going to be any dividers in this installment, because there are a few too many times when the times and alliances and loyalties and factions change to keep track. I just hope that this exercise doesn't result in more of my favorite faces joining Lu Xun in tormenting me. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this by doing a Warrior Orochi installment. So far, I've only got one surefire way to get yourself killed in an unusual way there. I'll have to sit down and do some serious pondering if I do decide to expand this into my favorite crossover series.

**If You Have a Death Wish (SW Edition)**

1. Glomp Nobunaga.

2. Hit on Noh.

3. Mistake Ranmaru for a woman, and act accordingly. Steal a kiss and I'm sure you'll meet the business end of his nodochi.

4. Bring up Masamune's father around him.

5. Try to explain to Kanetsugu that honor isn't absolute, and occasionally must be discarded.

6. Allow Aya to teach you the ways of love, and demand a physical lesson. Her lessons in love are not the kind you'd get from any other woman.

7. Insult Nene when Kiyomasa or Hideyoshi are in earshot.

8. Mess with Masanori's hair.

9. Compliment Mitsunari on his beauty, then draw away in shock and apologize for thinking he was merely a flat-chested, gorgeous woman. Then run like hell. He can throw that fan a fair distance.

10. Call Nene's cooking "slop."

11. Let Kojiro give you a hands-on lesson in beauty.

12. Become an inconvenience for Kanbei.

13. Wear a crucifix anywhere in Japan after Hideyoshi unifies it.

14. Get involved in the Korean invasion.

15. Try to explain to Yoshimoto that kemari is ridiculous game, and that he should concentrate on being a real leader rather than kicking a ball around all day.

16. Imply that Muneshige means something special to Ginchiyo. State it flat-out and you'll find out exactly why they call her the Goddess of Thunder.

17. Try to pet Hanbei. I know he's cute and all, but he's definitely not a child, and is guaranteed to let you know. Most vehemently. And painfully.

18. Get into a discussion of history with Motonari. He's sure to bore you to death.

19. Cut the strings on Motochika's shamisen. It takes a lot to get him angry, but this is one surefire way to piss him off.

20. Help Magoichi flirt with Oichi. Whether she's married to Nagamasa or Katsuie, this will not end well.

21. Suggest to Masamune that he invest in a thesaurus, or provide him with a list of synonyms for the word "imbecile."

22. Try to send Ieyasu into a barrel roll.

23. Challenge Tadakatsu.

24. Steal Kanbei's balls. No matter how you interpret that, your demise will be swift and painful.

25. Get anywhere near Yukimura when he's excited. You never know quite where that spear will swing.

26. Go drinking with Keiji.

27. Tell Okuni that someone else is prettier or a better dancer than she is. Make this mistake, and beware of flying umbrellas.

28. Try to stop Mitsuhide at Honnoji. Even if it's to try and talk some sense into him.

29. Steal Noh's underthings to show Nagamasa. No matter how much he wants to see them, if Oichi finds out, you both are dead.

30. Try to convince Katsuie to get out of the burning castle.

31. Offer to hold all of Toshiie's weapons for him.

32. Get involved in anything to do with ninjas.

33. Impersonate Hanzo.

34. Mock Kotaro for his obsession with the "winds of chaos."

35. Try to play with Mitsunari's hair without permission.

36. Help Gracia explore the world. I'm sure her daddy won't appreciate having to chase her down like that.

37. Lay a finger on Ginchiyo.

38. Ask Nene why she sticks with Hideyoshi, considering how often he cheats on her. The only way to survive this is via earplugs.

39. Help Hideyoshi meet with his latest ladylove.

40. Point out to Kiyomasa - loudly, in front of Nene, Hideyoshi, Masanori, and Mitsunari - that his adoration of Nene is more than a little creepy and that he really should find a different woman to fantasize about. It's debatable who will kill you first, but it's certain to be an interesting death no matter what happens.

41. Suggest to Kenshin that perhaps he shouldn't drink so much.

42. Get into a debate with Shingen.

43. Inform Kai that she's too masculine to ever get a husband.

44. Tell Yukimura about Kunoichi's crush on him.

45. Get anywhere near Yukimura after Sekigahara.

46. Get involved in the Battle of Sekigahara.

47. Try to help Mitsunari escape the battlefield after certain individuals turn on him.

48. Mistake Shingen for Santa Claus.

49. Try to get Ujiyasu to stop smoking.

50. Call Kenshin a creepy old ghost. There are three individuals who take great offense at this slip.

51. Try to mediate the Asakura/Azai vs. Oda situation.

52. Try to stop Nagamasa from running back into Odani Castle.

53. Shave Mitsunari's head.

54. Steal Hideyoshi's helmet, put it on, and pretend that you are the sun.

55. Use Nagamasa's lance to roast marshmallows.

56. Make fun of Ieyasu or Kanetsugu's helmets.

57. Put flowers down the barrels of Nobunaga's rifle corps' guns.

58. Go strolling across the battlefield at Nagashino or Kawanakajima.

59. Get between Goemon and his treasure.

60. Inadvertently become Hideyoshi's latest romantic pursuit.

61. Mock Motochika for his interest in hairstyling and making hair ornaments. Imply that he's anything less than a man, and you'll see just how painful it is to have a shamisen come crashing down upon your skull.

62. Try to rope Masamune into a game of kemari.

63. Take Muneshige to task for using a shield instead of just a sword, like everybody else.

64. Mistake Goemon's belly for a taiko drum.

65. Defend Mitsunari from Masanori and Kiyomasa. Masanori in particular - do you really think he cares who he's swatting with that huge club of his?

66. Call Kai "the Bear Princess" to her face.

67. Make a small fortune as a traveling gypsy seer using one of Kanbei's orbs.

68. Compliment Hanbei on how convincing a woman he was, and ask him why he doesn't spend more time in ladies' garb.

69. Try to convince Ina that maybe she should stop being so judgmental.

70. Help Ina become a kinder, more gentle lady.

71. Insult Kanetsugu's honor by implying that he has a thing for Aya.

72. Try to get several of these men to spend more time at home with their wives.

73. Borrow Tadakatsu's woodcarving tools, and forget to return them.

74. Try to lift Tadakatsu's halberd.

75. Help Keiji prank Nene.

76. Start a betting pool on who will become Hideyoshi's ultimate successor: the fat little man in the funny hat or the snarky pretty boy with the rug on his head.

77. Hit on Okuni after Goemon starts following her around.

78. Try to help Kai and Gracia find boyfriends. Their respective guardians will not appreciate your efforts, especially if you are a man.

79. Paint Nobunaga's armor hot pink.

80. Attach a bell to Hanzo or Kotaro. Even if you somehow manage to actually get the bell on them, they'll still hunt you down for it. The difference is, you'll probably get a compliment before they dismember you.

81. Point out to Kiyomasa that it's pretty much all his fault that the Toyotomi fell, since he joined the enemy thinking Ieyasu would somehow share power with Hideyori, like a complete IDIOT.

82. Try to help Masanori become more appealing to the ladies. He's not the one you have to worry about; it's the women of Japan.

83. Switch all of Sakon's clothes for Elvis' jumpsuits. Especially the famous white one with the cape.

84. Tell Motochika, Nagamasa, Mitsuhide, and Tadakatsu that they are horrible fathers. One apparently never mourned his only son, one made his little son die in the flaming castle with him, one raised a flighty, annoying, totally naive brat, and the last one's parenting resulted in a judgmental, narrow-minded woman with no softness at all and a permanent frown etched into her face. It's best to do this by letter and then flee Japan posthaste, because a lot of soldiers and four very angry, powerful men will be hunting for you.

85. Mistake any of these men for their Sengoku Basara counterparts.

86. Mistake Hideyoshi for a monkey, and offer him bananas. To really piss him off, inspect him for a tail.

87. Drill holes in Motochika and Motonari's navies. They may enjoy the water, but they'll also enjoy drowning you for this.

88. Flip up the back of Noh's robe when she isn't looking.

89. Make fun of Nobunaga's singing.

90. Try to get Kanbei to act like a normal human being.

91. Try to scrub all that pasty makeup off Yoshimoto.

92. Try to be friends with Nobunaga.

93. Join Sakon in trying to cheer up Mitsunari with music.

94. Let Keiji fill your bath.

95. Join Mitsuhide at Yamazaki.

96. Call Kojiro a morbid/macabre/insane clown.

97. Use Hanbei's compass as a rotating fan.

98. Try to make Musashi ease up on the training and have some fun.

99. Take a page from Nene's book and administer spankings to the various generals, officers, and warriors whenever they start fighting. The classic over-the-knee position works much better in terms of humiliation, resentment, and a sudden death from the affronted punishee.

100. Give everybody - meaning every single notable person - a theme song, and play it whenever they appear. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.


	3. Warriors Orochi

**Summary: **It's pretty obvious that there are a lot of ways to die in the Koei games. But what the games may not show you are the various "off the record" ways to meet your maker...

**Disclaimer: **I own the games, meaning "copies of the games." Do I own the franchise itself? Only in my dreams...

**Queen's** **Quornor**: Okay, so here's the WO installment. This list isn't going to be as long as the other two, since there aren't as many exclusive characters in the crossover series as there are in the SW and DW franchises. To balance it out, I'm going to put in some crossover death wishes. I LOVE this series, so I was a bit hesitant about putting everybody through the wringer like this a second time. But... Well, maybe I'll only put a few of my favorites through the gauntlet again. After all, some of these folks just aren't that funny.

**If You Have a Death Wish (Warriors Orochi Edition)**

1. Help Orochi exfoliate.

2. Get into a battle of wits with Da Ji. You might beat her, but she's one damn sore loser.

3. Borrow Taigong Wang's fishing pole without permission.

4. Be anywhere in the vicinity when Sima Shi and Masamune's meat buns go missing.

5. Try to make friends with Nu Wa.

6. Hit on Nu Wa.

7. Hit on Fu Xi when Nu Wa is around. She's pretty possessive of him.

8. Try to snuggle up to Yoshitsune. He's totally adorable when he's all flustered like that, but push him too far and you'll have a cauterized hole through your middle, especially if your middle and/or some amount of cleavage is exposed.

9. Have a unique weapon in your possession when Benkei comes calling.

10. Be condescending to Himiko.

11. Use Himiko's doji as home decorations.

12. Take that oddly life-like statue of Nagamasa home for your garden.

13. Try to teach Nezha how to feel emotions.

14. Hang out with Gyuki and Dodomeki.

15. Lay a finger on Joan of Arc. If you thought having angry Asian warriors come after you was bad, try escaping from an army of furious Frenchmen.

16. Wax Nemea's chin.

17. Go drinking with Shuten Doji. He's a very moody drunk, and that sake of his is pretty powerful stuff. Even if you don't die, you'll be so drunk you'll be staring up at the sky and talking to the little green men scampering about the clouds for _days_.

18. Try to figure out how much of Da Ji is human and how much of her is vixen.

19. Turn Da Ji's globes into disco balls at the next banquet.

20. Try to unmask Ryu.

21. Accuse Ayane of being a demon, based on her eyes.

22. Prune Zuo Ci's hair with a pair of hedge clippers.

23. Try to make friends with Kiyomori.

34. Attempt to amuse Orochi. His amusement is your greatest agony.

35. Get anywhere between Nezha and his objective. Even if you're just sitting there, enjoying the sunshine, it won't save you.

36. Get too close to the lava flows.

37. Ask any member of the Serpent Army where they got those killer tattoos.

38. Help Kotaro sow chaos.

39. Try to talk Masamune or Keiji into switching back to the human side.

40. Discover Dong Zhuo's treasure horde. It may have been an innocent mistake, but he's not the most forgiving of men.

41. Try to break your commanding officer out of prison.

42. Play kemari with the big serpent generals. They can swat a kemari ball with some serious force, and depending on where you are hit, you could suffer a split skull, burst organs, a crushed neck, a broken spine, shattered bones, amnesia, infertility, permanent erectile dysfunction, or sudden death.

43. Make friends with Achilles. The only people who can get close to him are his cousin and his slave girl, both of whom are back in Greece or Troy.

44. Attempt to explain the virtues of humanity to Susano'o.

45. Bother Kaguya. She won't hurt you, but the other Mystics - and her human admirers - will.

46. Suggest that perhaps Nobunaga and Cao Cao are long-lost twins, or that Nobunaga is the reincarnation of Cao Cao.

47. Mistake Kunoichi for Nene, repeatedly.

48. Claim that Lianshi's cooking is better than Nene's where Kiyomasa or Masanori can hear you.

49. Go looking for Gan Ning at his favorite hunting spot.

50. Shave Sun Wukong.

51. Get into a race with Sun Wukong.

52. Help San Zang search for Sun Wukong. He may not want her injured, but he'll have no qualms about harming you

53. Help Okuni try to corner Zhong Hui.

54. Help Ling Tong escape from Okuni.

55. Hide in any boxes where the Yellow Turbans are making camp.

56. Listen to Sima Yi and Masamune Date exchange witty insults. The repeated exclamations of "Imbecile!" and "Idiot!" will eventually make your head explode.

57. Set up a Three Kingdoms/Sengoku dating service.

58. Be anywhere near the Hydra while the Resistance is firing any strange, luminescent weapons at it.

59. Go looking for Guan Suo, unless you know exactly what he looks like. Bao Sanniang is likely to smack you with her spinner if you bring back the wrong guy.

60. Be the scout who gave Jiang Wei the go-ahead to sneak by Zhong Hui's forces. After all, that scout should have realized how dangerous the trek was. Ergo, he's responsible for Jiang Wei's death in the original timeline.

61. Offer your services in holding back Kiyomori.

62. Get within range of the brainwashed officers. In particular, beware of Guan Yu, Yukimura, and Kanetsugu. Oh, and Cai Wenji and Lianshi. The range on those two is far more worrisome than that of the others.

63. Take a stroll around Koshi Castle's exterior wall. Only those with an innate resistance to poison can survive such a constitutional.

64. Fall for Kotaro's tricks when rescuing Zhenji.

65. Let any messengers get by you when saving Noh.

66. Let the peasants die in the flames. Vengeance will be swift.

67. Get in Susano'o's way. The man has no concept of the term "go around."

68. Help Zhang Jiao preach the word of the Yellow Turbans. At the very least, expect a metric ton of stones and arrows to be hurtled in your direction.

69. Be a very pretty man when Dong Zhuo goes looking for a harem. Angry, confused perverts are not very forgiving when they realize that their next potential conquest is actually a man.

67. Speaking of which, for a quick slice-and-dice demise, mistake Lu Xun for a woman, or at least question his masculinity. He's not someone to overlook a slight of that nature.

68. Try to pick up both Mitsunari and Cao Pi. Interrupt their plotting, and your death is certain. They might be a bit forgiving if you merely flirt with them at any other time.

69. Get near Orochi when he's bored or angry.

70. Go offer praise to the Sea Dragon Shrine at Itsukushima when armies are on the move.

71. Help the Nanman drive the serpent army off their land. Especially effective if Zhu Rong has no idea what her husband is up to and he's the one who finds you.

72. Offer to help Guo Jia and Magoichi pick up women. They're a lot faster than you are, and they prefer women wielding sharp, pointy objects.

73. Give Da Ji the swift kick in the rear that she so richly deserves.

74. Try to create a schism between Liu Bei and Ieyasu. The Tokugawa were by no means shining examples of virtue and benevolence.

75. Help Keiji steal himself a theme song.

76. Pull a Dong Zhuo and collect yourself a harem of the most handsome men of the Three Kingdoms and Sengoku periods. These men's commanders won't be very happy when they realize what you have done.

77. Ignore the demon soldiers pouring out of that gap in the wall.

78. Be anywhere near Odawara Castle. That place is a magnet for hopeless situations.

79. Try to tell Gan Ning what to do. This works best if you are a woman.

80. Be sucked into this piecemeal setting if you have no combat experience whatsoever.


End file.
